PsuedoPodCast
by J.B. Writer
Summary: Venom and Carnage are now retired from their villainous ways and have decided to start a weekly Podcast series. Crude and anger some comments should be expected. Episode 1: Oscars Talk.  Special Guest: Spider-Man.


**A/N: **Madness...

* * *

**The music slowly fades up.**

_Guess who just got back today?  
Them wild-eyed boys that had been away  
Haven't changed, haven't much to say  
But man, I still think them cats are crazy_

_They were asking if you were around  
How you was, where you could be found?  
Told them you were living downtown  
Driving all the old men crazy_

_The boys are back in town!  
The boys are back in town!  
I said  
The boys are back in town!  
The boys are back in town!  
The boys are back in town!_

_*Guitar Solo!*_

Venom: And we're LIVE, coming from Eddie Brock's basement… Venom and Carnage here. The boys are definitely back in town.

Carnage: God I love that guitar solo. Thin Lizzy for the win Brock!

V: Agreed Cletus. God damn. It's kind of surreal kiddo. We're now retired and just bored out of our minds. You're looking good. How long has it been since we last saw you?

C: Before I went into rehab for brain addiction? That must have been… four years?

V: Heh, how long has it been since we've appeared in a JB production?

C: I don't know. We had a cool crossover thing going on with Batman's sidekick's… group… whatever their name was. But the guy had to go off and write about space nerds and lesbian ballerinas… I don't get it.

V: Speaking of ballerinas… the Oscars are this week!

C: Wooo! And we have a new Podcast to talk about it!

V: Yes folks. Welcome to the first edition of V n C's PseudoPodCast…

C: PPC… for my lay peoples. Just for reference, our e-mail is CarnageisGod at gmail dot com. Send in e-mails if you want pops and I to answer your questions!

V: Okay, since our characters have been on hiatus for so long on FF dot net and we've been screwed up in the comics and Gargan has my suit… and Carnage… well…

C: Ahem! No need to talk about that! Well here you'll get free entertainment from your two favorite symbiotes. Today we got a packed show for ya don't you agree pops?

V: Oscar talks and our special guest of course would be no one else but the myth, the legend, the blegh, Mr. Parker himself. Spider-Man, that little ass clown.

Spider-Man: H-hey! I agreed to come on if there wasn't going to be any name calling. I thought we were cool now. We've only been warring on and off for thirty years?

V: Time does fly… sorry… we just had to get out one last one.

C: Don't make me stab you Parker… *clears his throat* Ladies and gentlemen I give you our old nemesis and incredibly lucky his not dead foe… Spider-Dork.

S: Please… please… don't stand up on my sake. It's an honor to be here with you… two… Hehe… You two starting a Podcast? This is awesome. Much better use of your time than killing nice people.

C: Yes… on air mutilations and decapitations start next week I should mention.

S: *gulp* Uh, remind me not to tune into that one…

V: So Parker, you've been keeping up with the movies lately? Let's get into it. What are your Oscar favorites to win best picture?

S: Well… I have been keeping up with my busy pizza delivering schedule. My favorite movies are 127 Hours, True Grit… and The Social Network.

V: You are so… lame.

S: What? What's wrong with those picks?

V: 127 hours? With Harry Osborn? The movie felt like 127 Hours when we were watching it.

C: Y-yeah what a wuss that James Franco is. We would've ate both our arms for no reason and walked out just fine right pops? And True Grit? … How about True Shit?

V: They said they took 4 years to find that girl? Well we say they should take another four years to find another one after we take her brains and-

S: What? You guys are mean! Those are great movies! Leave Hailee Steinfeld alone! She's just a kid!

V: Y-yeah whatever and The Social Network? Don't get us started on that one. Can we Facebook whoever made that movie and tell him he should change his mood to "Going to die soon."?

C: That Justin Timberlake kid, didn't he already hurt our ears enough in that N'sync band? He brought Sexy Back, now can't he just back up into my Axe tendril?

V: "It's tearing up our heart" he's actually acting. Add another one to the checklist of non-innocents.

C: Kill list definitely increased pops.

S: … You guys are so horrible! What's your favorite Oscar winner then? All you guys have been doing is hating on my picks!

V: Personally for us we would choose Inception as the Best Picture. Leo DiCaprio is brilliant. The whole dreaming and slow motion sequences were brilliant! Christopher Nolan kicked our ass with the Batman movies Parker. We need to give him his due.

C: RIP Sir who played Joker… you have our respect.

S: H-hey now Sam Raimi did a great job with our movies back in the day I thought.

C: Hah… right.

S: He did!

V: You cried more than Natalie Portman did in Black Swan. Tobey McGuire made you look like Spider-Bitch. He cast freaking Eric Foreman as us! The most devastating villain ever known to the comic world and we're that… 70s show guy? Who's going to play our offspring? J Lo?

S: … Meh…

C: Well on that note, my favorite movie of course is Darren Arnofsky's Black Swan.

V: Surprise Surprise…

C: I love the blood. I love the babes. I love the booze. And I always wanted to kill someone while wearing a Tutu. I saw all that shit in one movie! Bravo! Bravo! Magnific!

S: That I can agree with. I thought it was great too! Natalie Portman is an awesome actress. She's really versatile and puts on a show. Never thought I'd watch a movie on ballet but that one kept me tangled in its web… heh-…heh… -heh… and Mary Jane was strangely aroused.

V: That was… more information than we wanted…

S: Oh now you're the one trying to censor my horrible words… that's rich.

C: Mila Kunis is so delicious. I want to string her up and gently use my blade to-

S: Carnage, stop with the murdering lines! That won't win you fans…

C: Sorry, still working on that.

V: We wanted that lesbian scene with the tongue action and we wanted out. We weren't impressed at all. If Mr. Arnofsky wanted to impress us? We wanted more Kunis and Portman and less big birds and cheap special effects.

C: Whatever you're just a sad little old symbiote Venom and are just jealous. Heck you and Spider-Dork over there are BOTH jealous.

V and S: Why?

C: Because they did a going to the dark side movie right unlike a certain movie that came out a while ago…

V: Ungh… not this again.

S: …

C: There's a movie with a French Choreographer. A movie about ballet. A movie with two bi-curious ballerinas. A movie with more make up than Cirques De Solae and it manages to be less gay friendly than Spider-Man 3… what gives?

V: Always bringing that up offspring…

C: Why don't you start dancing for us Parker. Bring back some old memories. Show us them jazz hands…

S: Memories are so depressing sometimes…

C: We haven't even started talking about your New York Musical yet.

S: We agreed not to talk about that!

V: Aw, well in worse news? That kid from the Social Network is playing you. Aren't you excited? That skinny little twig is now you, Andrew Garfield.

S: What? When was this news?

C: Parker it was news like months ago. Tobey out. Garfield in. Did you see what they did to your uniform?

S: What now!

V: They're restarting the franchise with a new setup. Your uniform resembles a costume Justin Beiber would wear.

S: No! Come on! I gotta get out of here and stop this now! I've been on such a rut in the Entertainment side. What's going on?

C: Follow Captain America. He's trying to stop Johnny Storm from playing him in the new movie. Not really succeeding their Mr. Red White and Boring.

S: Alright I'm outta here! … God… when Spider-Man one and two came out… I ruled the world. What the hell happened?

**Scuffling noises as he leaves, a webline noise made as he was slinging off**

V: And that was Spider-Man everyone going off to save the day... we mean himself. It's nice not to care so much. We love perspective. Years and years of evil doing lets you get that.

C: It's good being a retired villain period. Now I know how the great ones like all the thieves in those Scooby Doo cartoons feel.

V: So to get back on track. Inception and Black Swan are our winners… and every other movie…

C: Except Toy Story 3!

V: Sure… why not. Can rest assured that we give them all four pseudopodia down!

C: Woo hoo!

V: And we believe that's all the time we have for today folks… this is Venom saying poison someone's life…

C: And this is Carnage always play with the sharp side of the knife!

V: Till next time our symbiote super fans…


End file.
